Finding My Words.

There is something about writing that is so, so good for the soul.

Words are so powerful.

They build up and tear down, they bring life, they bring a voice to the very being of your heart.

I've been mostly silent for a very long time on this little piece of me...  but these last few weeks I have felt the need to find my words again. I have felt the need to find my words on this little corner of the internet that bares my name. To take what flows from my heart and put it into words to share with the world.

Some of the words hold deep, real, vulnerable pieces of me that need to be put down in words,  to share some of the hard places we have been and seen and faced this year as a family. Some of the words hold such eager, anxious, expect piece of my heart that need to burst through the surface and be dreamt out loud. Some of the words need to come from a mom's heart who is daily trying to soak in every single aspect of my girls exactly where they are to read back. Some of the words hold my fears and nerves as we face a very new, unknown life in the upcoming year.

Words of joy and words of sorrow.
Words of peace and words of  distress.
Words of love and words of heartache.
Words of thankfulness and words of confusion.
Words about lessons and trials.
Words about family and motherhood.
Words about God and His lavish grace in my life.
My words, from my heart.

I need to find my words again.

And I'm going to do it here.

31Days: Grace is....

This poem by Beth Moore spoke volume's to me.. 

Grace is an inflated raft that can submerge to the floor of a sea to save you.
 Grace is the silver thread that stitches up the shreds of mangled souls.
 Grace is the eye that finds us where it refuses, there, to leave us.
 Grace calls the waitress to the table and sits her down to wash her feet.
 Grace sees underneath the manhole on a street of self-destruction.
 Grace is the air to draw a breath in the belly of a whale.
 Grace is the courage to stand in the shamed wake of a frightful falling.
 Grace is the only fire hot enough to burn down a living hell.
 Grace waits with healing in His wings when we’re too mad to pray.
 Grace is the gravity that pulls us from depravity.
 Grace races us to the Throne when we make haste to repent and always outruns us.
 Grace treats us like we already are what we fear we’ll never become.
 Grace is the doorpost dripping red when the angel of death grips the knob.
 Grace is the stamp that says Ransomed on a life that screams Ruined.
 Grace sets a table before me in the presence of my enemy even when my enemy is me.
 Grace is the cloak that covers the naked and the palm that drops the rock.
 Grace is divine power burgeoning in the absence of all strength.
 Grace proves God true and every self-made man a liar for the sake of his own soul.

 Grace is the power to do what we cannot do for the Name of Christ to go where it has not been.

Grace is a room of a thousand mirrors, all reflecting the face of Christ.

Grace is…

The eye popping

Knee dropping

Earth quaking

Pride breaking

Dark stabbing

Heart grabbing

Friend mending

Mind bending

Lame walking

Mute talking

Slave freeing

Devil fleeing

Death tolling

Stone rolling

Veil tearing

Glory flaring

Chin lifting

Sin sifting

Dirt bleaching

World reaching

Past covering

Spirit hovering

Child defending

Happy ending

Heaven glancing

Feet dancing…

Power of the Cross.

Jesus Christ, Grace Incarnate.

Copyright 2013 Beth Moore

31Days: Why Grace?

The simplest answer to this is... why not grace?!

But seriously.... Why grace?

Because I'm tired of living the "try-hard" life

Because I'm tired of living the way people expect me to

Because I am tired of being bound up in guilt or shame 

Because strongholds have no place in my life

Because there is beauty in me in the here and NOW regardless of what the world says

Because I won't want to live under the law.

Because I want to take hold on that gift called grace and LIVE IN IT not look at it

Because I want to be poured over and covered in and enveloped in Grace!

Because FREEDOM only comes from His Grace!

Because I want to live so freely in it that I extend it soooo freely to the people around me.

Because I want my house to be a place of grace and peace and mercy.

Because I want to live WILDLY for Him.

Because it's through His grace that all things are possible.

 Because I want to stop saying I am not worthy when every ounce of HIS being tells me that I am.

Because I want to live in the beauty and see it just as it is.

Because it's His grace that has build such a beautiful life around me.

Because I want to share this grace with my sisters who are stuck in any and all bondage and TRULY be able to show them freedom.

Because this is the step I am at right now. 

Because I accepted His grace and lived in his mercy where I was at 6 years ago,

but now he is poking and proding at me for more.

Because this is a journey.

Because Christ died for me to accept this freedom,

and it's TIME for me to live it to the very fullest way possible.

Because grace is meant to be accepted.

Because grace is meant to be lived out.

Because grace is lavishly poured out to me.

Because grace is of the father,

and I want to live in every single thing that comes from Him.

There is freedom in grace and it's time I start living in THAT and accepting it as MINE.

 

31Days... Grace Like an Avalanche

The first thing that really pricked my heart about this amazing gift called Grace was a blog post I read a few years ago. I can't remember the name of the blog as it was a random stumble upon that I don't think I ever visited again..... but she posted the song "Like an Avalanche" by Hillsong United and a video of an avalanche. And my life has never been the same since....

This whole song is so beautifully written and such a testament to the Gospel of Christ, but the part that strikes me deepest is the Chorus. 

"And I find myself here on my knees again
Caught up in grace like an avalanche
Nothing compares to this love love love
Burning in my heart"

And you want to know why?

Have you ever seen an avalanche? 

I was so encapsulated I had to watch the video over and over while the "Like an Avalanche" song played at the same time.... 

THAT IS WHAT I WANT GRACE TO LOOK LIKE IN MY LIFE.

I want to have grace just avalanche and pour over my heart. Not missing any nook or cranny. I want it to start from the top and sweep through every single place in my heart from the bright clean spots to the dark empty spots. I want every single aspect of my heart and my life so be totally engulfed by the avalanche of Grace that He pour onto me.

That is what this 31 days is about for me. Living in this kind of grace, this kind of a gift. 

"And I,

Find myself here on my knees again.

Caught up in grace like an Avalanche.

Nothing compares to this love, love, love,

Burning in my heart."

31 Days: Grace.... A Gift Freely Given

Grace is a gift.

It's a gift freely given from God, something that we could never work for or earn or ever take credit for (Ephesians 2:8-9). It's a gift simply because He loves us and wants us to have it. It is an absolutely free expression of God's love for man. Grace is something that should stir up a reaction in us.

The very definition of grace is unmerited favor, good will, loving kindness, beauty, and bounty.

The greek word for grace is charis. It means grace, particularly that which causes joy, pleasure, gratification, favor, acceptance, for a kindness granted or desired.

Grace is what separates us from the law and from death. Grace is what makes us alive, it is what raises us up.

Grace is a gift so freely given, but the thing is.... most of us as Christians know what grace is. We read about it in the Bible, we sing about it in worship songs, we write about it in journals, and praise God for it in prayer, and we share about grace with the people around us... and yet so many of us don't live in grace in the day to day.

Grace is a gift so freely given from the father and not so easily excepted by us as his children.

At least if I am being honest I know that's where I have been for most of my "saved" life. I know about grace, I read and sing and talk and pray about grace, but for so long I wasn't truly living in His grace.

I was living stuck under the law without even really realizing the bondage I was placing on myself as I danced around the pretty gift of grace but I wouldn't go and stand under it, wouldn't be covered in it, wouldn't dance IN it! It's funny the little ways the Lord begins to make us aware of these things like a devotional, a sermon, a conversation, a song, a blog, a Beth Moore Simulcast.  ;]

I want to be a woman who lives fully emerged in His grace.
I want to be a woman who relies so heavily on Him and His grace that I can't deny it or imagine it any other way, a woman so covered in His grace that it makes me emotional at the thought of it.
 I want to be a woman that is so full of His grace that it oozes out of me onto every person I come into contact with, a woman that speaks life and love and grace towards her children, towards her husband, towards her friends, and towards strangers because of the infinite grace pouring into my heart.
I want to be so enveloped in grace that when I have moments of weakness or guilt as a mom or a wife or just a woman that they don't cause me to stumble mightily or give the enemy a foothold in my life, but instead remind me even more of the amazing, awe-inspiring, BOUNTY of grace that He gives.
I want to be a woman so wrapped up in grace that I take steps towards His plan and move boldly towards his purpose even when the world tells me to be scared or doubt.

I want to be a woman that so freely accepts the gift of grace that God has so freely given me. 

31 Days of Growing in God's Grace ... and falling in love with writing again...

Around the Blog world you might notice a LOT of bloggers taking part in 31 Days in October with The Nester. It's a writing challenge where you pick ONE topic and write about it every single day in October, 31 days straight. I have seen it for a while, all of my fav bloggers and friends seem to be doing. I thought it sounded fun, but much like other areas of my life used excuses to talk myself out of why I couldn't or shouldn't or wouldn't do it.... the thing is... most of those "reasons" were mere excuses out of fear. If you know Jessi over at Naptime Diaries you know that she's been really speaking to her spear of influence about living "Wild + Free" and about not letting Fear control us. God has really used her in the last year to speak to my heart and with a mixture of the truths she is speaking (which are powerful yall) and plethora of other ways God has been speaking to me lately I knew there was no ignoring this challenge (even though I tried) and that's why even though I am showing up late to the party, I am showing up.

I spent a few days battling what I could even possibly talk about for 31 days that people who care about... the funny thing is that I knew the first day but kept ignoring and trying to change the topic. Finally today I realized the call and the challenge and I accepted it. God has been speaking mightily to me this year about His grace... Grace that He SO freely gives, but isn't always as easy for us to accept. And I knew that I would spend these next 31 days exploring His grace, growing in His grace, falling even more in LOVE with this grace He gives us, and sharing my journey in words that He has had me on for a while. And in the process of exploring and growing and loving His grace, I think He plans to help me explore and grow and fall back in love with writing for Him, and for a purpose. I would be lying if I said this wouldn't be a challenge.. I don't know if I have ever truly been a "regular" blogger, but it certainly hasn't been lately... but I am so excited about this guys. So excited to dig in and live under grace and to write about it along the way.

I can't wait to share so many different bits of my heart with you guys as I explore more of His heart.

Reflections on a Post 9/11 World...

Days like today are full of so many emotions... as I sat and thought about what today meant... about what they will teach our children in school about this day and what we as children need to teach our children about this day.... so many thoughts and emotions have ranged my mind... I would imagine teaching my kids something a little like this....

via google images

There are evil people in this world who seek to do evil things and hurt others and on this day in 2001 those men thought that they had won. They came to kill and destroy, to hurt and to scare, and they came to knock the USA down. Those evil men came and they killed nearly 3,000 people on that day with four different planes in DC, NYC, and in Pennsylvania. They did scare us and hurt us that day, they did kill that day, and they thought that knocked us down too.. and they celebrated because of it. But in the MOMENTS following each of those attacks, not just the days, weeks, and years, but in the very seconds that followed those attacks we arose stronger. You see on that day they did come and they did hurt us, but they didn't knock us down and leave us there. Heroes ran into each of those buildings to save people, heroes fought back on flight 93 and crashed a plane into a field that was headed for a building in DC, and HEROES stepped up to join the military and serve our country because of the very events that took place that day. Those men may have hurt us and tripped us, but they did NOT knock the US down and keep it there. They did not BREAK US that day. They created even more patriotism, they created even more thankfulness, they created even more memories. We BONDED across the whole nation because of the events that took place early in the morning on September 11, 2001, events that rocked this nation and shook us to the very core were also events that have shaped this nation and this military in a way that can't be explained and events that will never, ever be forgotten.

via google images

Not only today, but every single day I will never forget the things that took place that dreadful morning. I will never forget the way that it changed this world. But more than anything I choose to acknowledge the acts of valor and patriotism, the heroes, the people who ran into falling buildings, the people who searched rubble for days for survivors, the men and women who were forever changed this day and knew that because of THIS they would defend their country. I chose to HONOR every single person lost this day, and the days and years following as they defended our country in two wars.

via google

Yes, this is an infamous day.... but it's also the day some of us realized for the first time how truly strong this nation and the people who defend it are.3,000 people left home that morning never to return home. Their family and friends lives forever changed in an instant because of the acts of a group of hateful evil people... Let us not focus on those men on these days because then they would be winning... let us focus on the heroes, on the survivors -- on being thankful for the people who DID come home those days, on the families of the lost, let us always honor those who sacrificed. Let us concentrate on the people who step up every single day to protect this country every day from anything like this ever happening again.

via google

It's days like today that living in the Nation's Capitol make such a huge impact on me. Seeing the names of 9 people who lived right in my back yard and didn't make it home that day. Hearing the stories of countless new friends who's dads, husbands, brothers, moms, friends, etc were in those buildings, them sharing sounds and smells and feelings anyone in the surrounding area experienced as the planes hit, the feelings when their loved ones walked through the door that night.... they don't go unnoticed in other parts of the country because truly the whole nation grieves this day, but living here they become SO real, SO vivid. Tears definitely flowed as I listened to and read this stories and felt immediate pain, immediate joy and immediate PRIDE for these people and for this country. It's a special day to live in the DC area.

via google

It's also a day we see the WHOLE WORLD come together to support the United States of America. It's a day they we see posts from literally all over the world. We see pictures of countries supporting us, and reminding us that they watched in horror that morning with us. That they mourn with us. That they will never, ever forget either. And that is something to celebrate.

These thoughts... these emotions... these memories... These are the things I want to share with my kids. Evil does exist in this world, evil does attempt victory, but evil never ever wins and for that on this day I am thankful.

When God Shows Up.

Have you ever noticed the ways that God continually shows up for us? The thing about it is to really see Him in the midst of every day life, to see Him in all the little details, you need to be in tune with me. You need to be connected with Him and close with Him to see Him in all the things!

I am a girl who loves to do "all the things" I love to be involved in everything, to help with everything, and to do everything... but let's be honest... If I am going to be really good at a few things I can't be doing "all the things." God has made it really clear to me in the direction I need to go (see previous post about where I am at right now here). And if I am going to be in all THOSE things and be involved in all the things in my husband and children's lives... then I have to take a step back from other things.

God has been pointing me in the direction of something I needed to do to approach those things... There are some things that I needed to start doing and some things that I sadly needed to stop doing... and can I just say that I didn't want to do them? There are some big things that have needed to take place for a while.. and I really put them off. Even though God was making it clear to me what needed to happen. I was anxious about doing them. Sad about doing them. Worried about doing them. Because I know that some of these thins are going to disappoint people, are going to inconvenience people, and may even confuse people.

I am a people pleaser by nature... but you know what I have learned? I am also a God pleaser. And He is who I need to please first. He is who I WANT to please first. He is the one who DESERVES to be pleased first. So I have spent some time preparing. Praying about things so that God would make everything incredibly clear to me that needed to happen. So that He would show me where exactly I needed to step up, and where I needed to step down. So that He would prepare people for the things that would come. The kind of days where I found myself laying awake at 2am praying these prayers and then asking God to ease my heart and allow me to rest. And you know what? He did.

As I prepared to make some of these first steps of please God and following His lead I asked others to pray for me. I asked others to keep me and others in their prayers. And I asked God to continue to prepare the way. And today He helped me to see that He was going to show up in these things, in ALL my things. And make them all His things.

As I walked through the day I was uneasy again but was trusting Him anyways, and God showed up so manyyy times in the most unexpected of ways. In a commercial that reminded us of God's purpose, in a verse I read in my devotional, in something my mom said to me over the phone. He eased my heart through out my day when I wasn't even asking anymore. He KNEW that I needed it and He did it before I asked. He showed up, He gave me His peace.

The thing is He ALWAYS shows up! Did you know that? He shows up even when we don't realize it. And He is there even when we don't acknowledge Him. But sometimes our sin separates us from Him so strongly that we don't realize it. Sometime we can't clearly hear and decipher His words because our sin is so much louder. But when you begin to seek Him daily. When you regular put your sin on the alter (because we sin every day... we're humans and it's what we do..) When you start to pray, read His work, and look for Him daily. You begin to see Him show up in everything. Things that may have just slip by any other day, begin to show His face. When you begin to faithfully align your life plans to His life plans and lead for your life, to seek His call, and serve Him in that call... and then to TRUST Him with all the details.... even the hard ones that you don't want to follow....  He shows up.

Today in the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young I read this .... "I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust You, Jesus" in response to whatever happens to you. If there is time, think about who I am in all My Power and Glory; ponder also the depth and breadth of My Love for you. This simple practice will help you see Me in every situation, acknowledge My sovereign control over the universe. When you view events from this perspective -- through the Light of My universal Presence-- fear loses its grip on you. Adverse circumstances become growth opportunities when you affirm your truth in Me no matter what. You receive blessings gratefully, realizing they flow directly from My hand of grace. You continual assertion of trusting Me will  strengthen our relationship and keep you close to me."

I know tonight at the end of my night that my trusting His plan, my obedience to His word, has strengthened my relationship with Him, my Abba daddy. And He reaffirmed me in this devotional today.

 Psalm 139:7-12 says
"7Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?

8If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

and the light become night around me,”

12even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you."

 

He's every where and He's holding me steady. In this life where I desire to do all the things, He holds on to me and directs my steps. I am ever in His presence and when something scares me or discourages me... He shows back up time and time again to encourage me to remind me that I need not fear. And to remind me that my obedience just brings me tighter into His embrace.

 

I pray you find yourself in this tight embrace today too, friends. 

 

 

For His Glory,

Amanda

2013 - Cultivation - 1Peter3:15 and a really long post about where my heart is at.

I seem so often to be in a state of reflection that never quite gets articulated or put down into words in a complete way. I have a whole bunch of half spoken thoughts floating around in my brain that never quite make it out onto paper. Never quite reach completion… and in a way I think that this has halted my growth some. I spend a lot of time reading what other people think, see, and are learning, but don’t take the time to put fully into reflection what I think. Don’t get me wrong… I am learning through these other people, being challenged and experiencing growth, but I don’t think I ever allow myself to completely see that because it’s not written down. I have bits and pieces in my devotional journal, bullet points, quotes, ideas, topics that scream out to me, but not the fully thought out and processed nature that I would like to begin to process through. 

That’s where this here old blog comes back into play. I have spent the majority of time that I have had this blog trying to find “my voice.” Trying to figure out who I wanted to present and what I wanted the world to know about me. Was I a military spouse blogger? Did I want a family/mom blog with recipes and projects mixed in? I went through with trying to turn it into a health and fitness blog. I debated trying to make a profit from my blog, and even for creating a handmade shop. I can admit I got kind of caught up in the whole “blogger envy” ordeal, which is why I took so much time off… But of all the ways I want to share my heart the one that continually pours out is my heart for Christ. I am not going to be a “faith blogger” so to speak… Because if I am being 100% honest with myself… I don’t have time to be a full on blogger. To make the connections with other bloggers, to gain a “following,” to take part in link ups, or read a whole slew of posts… What I do have time for, what I need to have time for, is to get my reflection out on “paper” to see the written word of the things that God is doing in and through me, to share the way that my life is being transformed with myself. And if someone should want to read that along the way (mostly my friends and family I am sure) then that is awesome. If God should give me a place of influence on this tiny space of interwebs, marvelous. But it’s not about me anymore. It’s about HIM. And what I can do FOR Him. 

That being said… I am starting 2013 off differently than I ever have before. I spent some time the last couple of days really taking in what God has blessed me with in 2012 and preparing for what He is putting in front of me in 2013. I decided to pick a word and a verse to center my actions around this year. I sought God in prayer and scripture and came to the conclusion that this is what He is showing me for this year, or at least for this period of time. Should He change my steps… that’s okay too. 

My word is CULTIVATE and my verse is 1 Peter 3: 15 NIV "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."

You see.. God is doing big things in and through me lately… and the word “cultivate” seems like the perfect way to describe what He wants me to do for His kingdom lately, but also for the other things that He has made clear that I need to do and areas I need to grow in my life (but we will get to those things later…) For now, let me just say that I spent a good portion of 2012 trying to plan. I spent a good portion of 2012 trying to make a way for myself in a plan that was only His to write. In the summer as adapted to being a mommy of two, beginning to really live in our new home state not just get through, as we began to discuss Mike getting out of the navy and approached my final year of school… I began to panic. What was I going to do, where was I going to work, WHERE DID GOD WANT ME?! And so instead of waiting for Him to reveal Himself as He always has because He IS faithful, I decided to try and do it on my own. I began to search for jobs all over the nation for Mike and I. I began to pick and piece and guess at what “my ministry” would be. The thing about that though… is that I did all of this to find “peace” instead of resting in a peace that I already knew was there. And ultimately it just stressed me out more because I just couldn’t find a job for me, a place for us, a plan for us. And then one day almost as clear as day God said to me “Silly don’t you know that you can’t find the perfect job because it’s just not there… you aren’t ready for it yet so how can it be ready for you!” And I laughed... and then I blushed… and then I finally felt like I could breathe again… God – a million Amanda – zero. 

After that little realization I finally decided to listen. I prayed and sought Him, and then I rested in His peace and comfort and waited for Him to start revealing the pieces to me… and boy did He ever! God has truly brought into my life some of the great mentors, examples, and friends in the last year. And little by little He began to paint and ever clearing picture for me of the way that He wanted me to go, of the ministry that He wanted me to create, and of the way that He wanted me to serve Him and His people! 

It started with the realization that God is leading me towards mentorship and discipleship, of everyone. This was a big shocker for me because HELLO I have always been all about the kiddos and the teens, but adults? Forget about it! I get awkward, clammy, and shy! But little by little He put me into places that made it clear He wanted me to use my heart for all people, not just kids and teens. He led me to serve at the Catherine Foundation Pregnancy Care Center as a Client Advocate(Counselor of sorts) to women who find themselves in need. And He blew my mind at the way He cares for every single detail. 

Then He led Mike and I to lead a Small Group for our church New Life here in MD. It was in this small group that He began to refine me to serve Him in a real leadership position (and is still refining me daily). He brought some of our greatest friends and encouragement into our lives via this small group. And I finally began to feel at home here. 

And then He shook it up again! He brought a new pastor into our church who would be taking a portion of the congregation and planting a new church in our county. Mike knew from the first time that Pastor Moe preached that we would go, I on the other hand was not so certain. I enjoyed Pastor Moe’s sermon, but we were JUST starting to build community… sorry charley! Or so I thought.

In August we began a series about what Pastor Moe’s church would be all about. And that first Sunday God’s spirit and direction fell upon me in such a mighty way. He made it so clear it gave me shivers that Mike and I were to be all in, to commit it all, and to join this new church. And we did just that. Much to my surprise one of our greatest friend couples went, and so did who I consider my mentor, Pastor Jenn. She was already leading the Small Groups at New Life and would now move on and be the Asst Pastor at Healing Place. As soon as she told me that, I felt God’s nudge. I didn’t know why or for what, but it was strong and it was there. I began to pray about how I could help her with leading community groups at HPC because I felt like that was where God was hinting at. And sure enough that’s exactly where he led me… Right into the volunteer position of Community Group Coordinator. 

And so here I am. God has made it so incredibly clear to me where he wants me. He wants me leading people to Him. He wants me CULTIVATING leaders to lead people to Him. He wants me to be His disciple, and he wants me to make more disciples. He has made it clear it’s not just about harvesting, but He wants me in the fields for Him in every way possible. And my heart is all in it. I will sow seeds, water, and harvest in whatever ways He leads me to. I am more than willing to do the tasks He puts in front of me, even if they are difficult (and some of them will be) and to always do so with a joyful heart.

While He is using me to cultivate— prepare, lead, and improve leaders….. He has made it so abundantly clear that He is going to be radically preparing, leading, and improving me for the tasks He has in front of me. I don’t know what all He has planned for me this year. But I am so eager to learn. I am so eager to wholly submit my life to His plan. The first 6 months will be challenging with my last semester (which is incredibly full), but I am ready and able. With God, my husband’s support, and a lot of diligent planning and timing I know that I can not only get through but can prosper this semester.  And the official job He is leading me to when I graduate? Well.. I still don’t know what that is yet, but I am content in all the things He has placed in front of me right now. 

This is where my verse ties in too. I want His light to shine so brightly through me, for my heart to be SO set apart as HIS, that people do ask what the reason for my hope is. Through this year of cultivation I hope to be able to pour into anyone who comes my way. To be able to change lives the way that He changed mine, and to do so with gentleness and respect, but above all with love. 

Here’s to a year of growth.

For His Glory,
Amanda