Every Friday Lisa Jo Baker hosts what
she calls “five minute Fridays” where she leaves a word as a prompt, and we are
encouraged to write for five minutes what freely flows from our hearts. Not worried
about editing, not worried about fonts or spelling, not worried about critics
(read: ourselves!) It’s five minutes where we remind ourselves that The Word is for us and loves us and
welcomes us. It’s unscripted, unedited,it’s real.
I
missed posting on Friday, but the prompt for the week was “SMALL” and it really
seemed to resonate with my heart and I haven’t been able to shake the word. I
have had lots of words welling in my soul lately so I’m sure there will be lots
of posts here in the days to come. But for now… here’s a small piece of my
heart.
The other day while really sitting in the muck of our struggles. I was mad, I was sad, I was confused. The list of emotions goes on. I was feeling bitter about everything going on and I just wanted to scream out WE’RE HURTING TOO!
And just then
a dear friend text me to let me know that she had been thinking about us and
praying for us. We texted back and forth a little bit and I finished by thanking
her for SEEING me. For not just seeing a smile or an “I’m okay” but for seeing
the deep hurt we were facing and for not minimizing it because it doesn’t look
like the world wants it to look.
We are in a
dark storm lately around these parts, and sometimes I can’t fully vocalize all
of what we are facing and all of the emotionally and physically painful
situations I keep finding us in. Adding insult to injury I was really feeling
like people (most people who are nearest and dearest to me) weren’t validating
our struggle. I felt SMALL. I felt brushed off. I felt like people were
critizing the fact that I (we/our family) were struggling so much because our
situation doesn’t look like what a typical picture of a deep struggle looks
like, we haven’t lost any babies, we aren’t bank rupt, Mike’s health issues
aren’t with cancer, etc etc. And don’t get me wrong I am SO SO SO thankful that
those are NOT the struggles that we have been delt to face today, and I ache
for the people who are facing these catastrophic struggles…. But it hurts that
people are writing off my hurts. It hurts that people are telling me to “get
over” a period of my life that has rocked me to the very core of my being, a
season that doesn’t feel like it will ever end some days. It hurts feeling
small.
The thing
about feeling small though, is that the smallest things mean the most. Like a
friend who reaches out when you’re in the midst of your own personal hell and
tells you that she sees you, and she knows you’re hurting, and she’s really
here for you. It’s those small moments that help you see some light in the
darkness. And then she reminds you that people can’t fully understand
suffering, seeing someone’s pain is hard to process, and so instead they focus
on the good. Even if that means focusing on the worse things other people have
going on. And that gave me a little light too.
Small pieces
of wisdom, small gestures, reminding me of the bigger picture, and my bigger Maker
who sees me, from a friend who also sees me even when I feel small and broken.
From a friend who knows me even when I feel lost and forgotten. From a friend
who loves me even when my heart is dark and selfish. A friend who reminds me
much of the love of Christ. I’m thankful
for the small things in the midst of a big season of pain.
Small things that
mean big things for my heart.
