Friday, March 14, 2014

Send me, I'll go.

I've had this thing nagging at my heart for the last few weeks or maybe months as this whole year has kind of run together on me (is it really mid-march?!).. It's not even so much that its nagging as it is that it lingers over my heart as I've waded through the emotions that have flushed over me with the events of the last few weeks.

It's no secret that we've faced our share of hardships over the last year (3 years really), but they've felt especially heavy in the last 4-5ish months and virtually impossible in the last 3 months, and I've struggled. I've struggled to make sense of it all, I've struggled with doubt and confusion and anger and tears and the list goes on. I've questioned why we had been dealt these cards and why it had to be me to walk this road. I've struggled with physical and emotional and mental pain in ways I never really knew that I could. I've begged and pleaded and prayed for things to go a different way and I've been straight up mad as hell when they didn't and I have even come to the point of not being able to pray words at all. I've questioned where God has been and why why why did we have to keep on being piled on to when it felt as if we were barely keeping our heads above the waves as the struggles crashed in from all sides... Mike's continually deteriorating health, our battle to sell the house, our battle to keep the house from falling apart around us and from spending every penny in our name to keep it standing,  my own health struggles, car issues, my mom being hospitalized and on life support,  the navy throwing all sorts of surprises at us, a bad case of anxiety for me, and the list goes on and on and it's usually something new everyday. The hard thing is that by themselves some of the things are truly so insignificant but when you feel like you're already sinking the smallest weight can make you feel like you're drowning. And so because of it all... I was feeling mad, I was feeling doubtful, I was asking why me.

And one night as I sat in darkness, sobbing silent tears, crying out "why me God? Why me?! I want to do big things for you and instead I'm stuck in this misery! It's not fair!" And I was reflecting on the days and weeks events, sermons I'd heard, things I'd read.... and He spoke this little reminder into my heart... and it hasn't left me since...

"You said you would go where ever I led you, that you would go wherever I sent you."

You see when this hit me. It wasn't of guilt or of condemnation or even of anger. It was simply the truth.. and God was reminding me of something I said, something that I know virtually every single Christian/Christ-follower says "Lord here I am, send me, wherever you lead me I will follow, have your will and way with my life. Make your Glory show in my life. Lord where ever you send me, I'll go." These are not uncommon for anyone who believes in Jesus to say... And when I said them I thought that I truly believed them. And I think that every Christian thinks that they truly mean those words when they speak them to God.

But what hit me that night, alone in His presence surrounded by the darkness, tears streaming down my face, questioning why I was in this place was this... when I spoke those words and surrendered my life to His will I just assumed (as I think a lot of Christians do) that it would be his will to send me to India or something... or to work in an inner city teen center, or to work in a church or something. I assumed that it would be His will to use me in a powerful way (which I still believe He is) but I thought that would feel good for me. You see I said "have your will and way lead me where you want me, I will go where you send me" ..... but I meant... long as its easy... long as I dont have to struggle...
...but not if I dont prosper in the mean time..
...but not if I'm the hurt one... long as I understand it... long as it looks pretty...
...but not if I don't get what I want too.. long as it doesnt take long..
...but not if its hard..
..but not if its painful... long as my husband is healthy and strong...

And the list goes on and on and on. I didn't know when I said "Lord send me I'll go" that I meant all of these things but obviously sitting where I was sitting that night I realized I had only wanted him to send me to places I wanted to go not truly where He would send me no matter what.

And that was a hard revelation.... in all the best ways. And so I've chewed on and thought through this ever since (about a month).

And here's the conclusion I've come to. I'm human, which means I am naturally sinful. I am not perfect. But God is not surprised by me. He wrote the chapters of my life long before I could imagine them and the day that I said "Lord send me" He already knew that on that dark night I would be crying out "Why me??" He already knew that when I said have your will that I didn't fully understand what that meant, but His will is playing out anyways. And while I don't understand this chapter of storms we're going through, it's still a chapter in the book of life that He wrote me... and He can handle my emotions and questions as I wade through this, because after all He is the one who created me and knows my heart better than anyone else.

And a month ago while I was crying out why me, He reminded me that this story isn't over yet.. these storms will always be in the pages of my book, but I won't always be in this chapter. Joy comes in the morning, and there is eventually a rainbow. And even more than that he reminded me that God is going to receive all the glory, and even in my mess.. ESPECIALLY in this mess... He's bringing himself glory.  He's a sovereign God, he's in control and only He knows whats on the other side of this and I trust Him. He's guiding me through even when I don't see or feel him, and all I know is my life no matter how hard it feels lately is far fuller than it ever was without Him and while I may stumble and waver and fight it occasionally I won't ever walk this road alone and he'll carry me when I can't walk. And that is why I'll trust His heart even when I can't see His hand.

And now I truly know that I mean it with every being when I say "Send me, I'll go."

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