Small

Every Friday Lisa Jo Baker hosts what she calls “five minute Fridays” where she leaves a word as a prompt, and we are encouraged to write for five minutes what freely flows from our hearts. Not worried about editing, not worried about fonts or spelling, not worried about critics (read: ourselves!) It’s five minutes where we remind ourselves that The Word is for us and loves us and welcomes us. It’s unscripted, unedited,it’s real. 

I missed posting on Friday, but the prompt for the week was “SMALL” and it really seemed to resonate with my heart and I haven’t been able to shake the word. I have had lots of words welling in my soul lately so I’m sure there will be lots of posts here in the days to come. But for now… here’s a small piece of my heart.

The other day while really sitting in the muck of our struggles. I was mad, I was sad, I was confused. The list of emotions goes on. I was feeling bitter about everything going on and I just wanted to scream out WE’RE HURTING TOO! 

And just then a dear friend text me to let me know that she had been thinking about us and praying for us. We texted back and forth a little bit and I finished by thanking her for SEEING me. For not just seeing a smile or an “I’m okay” but for seeing the deep hurt we were facing and for not minimizing it because it doesn’t look like the world wants it to look. 

We are in a dark storm lately around these parts, and sometimes I can’t fully vocalize all of what we are facing and all of the emotionally and physically painful situations I keep finding us in. Adding insult to injury I was really feeling like people (most people who are nearest and dearest to me) weren’t validating our struggle. I felt SMALL. I felt brushed off. I felt like people were critizing the fact that I (we/our family) were struggling so much because our situation doesn’t look like what a typical picture of a deep struggle looks like, we haven’t lost any babies, we aren’t bank rupt, Mike’s health issues aren’t with cancer, etc etc. And don’t get me wrong I am SO SO SO thankful that those are NOT the struggles that we have been delt to face today, and I ache for the people who are facing these catastrophic struggles…. But it hurts that people are writing off my hurts. It hurts that people are telling me to “get over” a period of my life that has rocked me to the very core of my being, a season that doesn’t feel like it will ever end some days. It hurts feeling small.

The thing about feeling small though, is that the smallest things mean the most. Like a friend who reaches out when you’re in the midst of your own personal hell and tells you that she sees you, and she knows you’re hurting, and she’s really here for you. It’s those small moments that help you see some light in the darkness. And then she reminds you that people can’t fully understand suffering, seeing someone’s pain is hard to process, and so instead they focus on the good. Even if that means focusing on the worse things other people have going on. And that gave me a little light too.

Small pieces of wisdom, small gestures, reminding me of the bigger picture, and my bigger Maker who sees me, from a friend who also sees me even when I feel small and broken. From a friend who knows me even when I feel lost and forgotten. From a friend who loves me even when my heart is dark and selfish. A friend who reminds me much of the love of Christ.  I’m thankful for the small things in the midst of a big season of pain. 

Small things that mean big things for my heart.